Uncertainty can be really painful for us. We like knowing what’s going to happen and how a situation will play out. It helps us prepare and strategize.

But what happens when we can’t know a thing? What happens when we can’t predict someone’s behaviour, or how something we’ve done will be received? What do we do?

It’s simple, yet hard. Do nothing. 

Rather than assigning false meaning to things and wasting our mental energy on scenarios and fears that might never come to pass… we can put our energy to taking care of the fear behind our habit playing out scenarios.

Uncertainty isn’t easy to sit with but if we can practice it, even for 30 seconds before we give in again to playing out the possibilities, it will slowly build our self confidence and cultivate more calm. 

What’s the point of practicing sitting with uncertainty?

Here’s the truth… Everything in life is uncertain and always will be. We can never truly know a thing until it has come to pass. 

But in pursuing certainty in our lives we limit ourselves to making the choices in our lives we are most able to predict. We play it safe. That might sound like a good thing, but in sticking to the parts of our life we can predict… we rob ourselves of being so much more than we are and having so much more than we already have.

Practicing being with uncertainty can hurt, yes. But so does a tattoo. So does spending $1000+ dollars on a new iPhone (don’t tell me that bill doesn’t hurt a bit, we all know it does). 

Sometimes the most valuable and meaningful things in our lives hurt a little bit, just like sitting with uncertainty. But what we get from doing this is more priceless than any iPhone or tattoo… Sitting with uncertainty and getting comfortable with it… gives us our life back.

When our mind is spiralling, answering the questions with « i don’t know » or the worst answer, and then asking yourself again, « then what? » and answer that. 

Let me know if this sounds familiar to you. 

We’re triggered by something happening that makes us feel threatened or unsafe in some way, and we begin to ask ourselves questions. Questions about ourselves, about the future, and about the consequences.

“What if they fire me?” 
“What if I did a bad job?”
“Why did I do/say that?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Do they hate me?”
“Did I look stupid?”
“What did they mean when they said/did this?”
“What is going to happen?”

We have so many questions rolling around in our mind, picking up speed  that we start to get overwhelmed. And that’s normal! I call them open loops. When we have so many open loops spinning through our head it’s scary, overwhelming and makes us feel small in the face of so many possible problems. 

So let’s start closing those loops with answers.

“What if they fire me?” … Well, what IF they fire you? Answer this for yourself. Then what? You’ll be fired… and you’ll need to find a job… Which you’ve done successfully before and you can absolutely do again. No, it might not be the ideal job, and it might be tough, but you’ve done it before and you can do it again.

“What if I did a bad job?”… If you did a bad job, then that sucks, and probably feels crappy. Give yourself a minute, and then keep playing that question out. “Then what?”. If you did a bad job, that means you can look at what you did, figure out what needs improving, and do a better job next time. You can show them that you’re capable of learning from your mistakes. And let’s be honest, when you’ve worked on teams, projects, or even just with friends… It didn’t matter most to you that they did a crappy job, it mattered most that they recognized it, and tried to be better next time… right? Why would your instance be any different?

“Why did I do/say that?” … Why DID you do or say that? Did you do it because you were nervous? Comfortable? Hurt? Trying to impress someone? These are all very human, and are okay. If someone said something shitty to you, nice to you, WEIRD to you and you had an ongoing relationship with them (work or otherwise) would you never speak to them again? Or would you write it off as lack of coffee, sickness, or just a joke you didn’t get?

We see that when we start to answer our questions, asking ourselves “Then what?”, and  practice flipping our perspective and imagining someone else doing what we did… it’s not that big a deal. Yes, they are painful thoughts, but these are not things we’ve never encountered before. You have experience with ALL of these life events in some form or another, and you’ve overcome in your own way. You can overcome these fears too IF they come to pass.

What if you ask yourself a question you just don’t have the answer to?

Try taking a breath and saying to yourself, “I don’t know, and that’s okay.” This may not help us the way you’d expect. With this answer we don’t get to play out the scenario and compare it to similar situations we’ve handled before. If we’re not careful the fever pitch of open loops could start up again.

What this answer DOES grant us, is something different, but equally valuable. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you don’t knoww something. It is just as important an answer as a fleshed out scenario. This answer allows us to be human and kind to ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong, It could still  hurt because we like knowing what will happen and being ready, but try holding some compassion and patience for yourself. 

You’ll find that even an answer of “I don’t know, and that’s okay.” Said enough times to enough unanswerable questions, can calm them down and allow your mind to let go of those loops.

“I don’t know, and that’s okay.”

It’s an answer, it’s gentle, and most importantly, it’s an act of self-love.